Wow, I havn't been on nutang in a really, really long time...

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All the lies I tell myself, every dream I toss aside, can't conceal who I've become, or who I long to be. I fear I can no longer hide my shame, or wish this pain away. It eats relentlessly away at my body, my mind, ...my pride, choking me from somewhere deep within. Trapped in a circle of endless choices - "To hurt or heal?" I beg myself, as I stare at my distorted image, so fat, so weak, and so alone. She challenges me - "Stay in control." If I could run away from it all, I don't know that I would. Yet, to be free from this merciless snare, to live life with no guilt, no fear, to be in control without harming my body... These are the dreams I now dream. No more 'Knight in Shining Armor,' or 'Famous Broadway Star.' Only a broken soul left in a desperate world, trying her hardest to be everything everyone wants her to be.

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Time goes by faster than you can catch up with it. I suppose that is part of life I hate most. Every moment is more precious than the last. How can you decide what to regret, forget, or treasure? Occaisonally, it feels like the whole world is slipping from your grasp. Your spinning....trapped inside a maze of both fear, uncertainty, guilt, and happiness, success, and discovery. You fall and fall, totally out of control. But then, you realize that it isn't you that is spinning and falling, it is the world. That changes everything. It is not that your the only one in the world out of control, just the opposite. The reality of it is, your the only one in control. The world is crazy, not you. People change. I know that now. After all, I have. So have you. There is nothing you can do...no matter how hard you want to scream, how often you cry, how desperately you try to ignore the fact. You cannot escape it. Yet, those people who change still hold the past dear to their hearts. They still have a little bit of who they used to be left somewhere inside them. Eventually, they will let their old self shine through. Then you can be confident that people change who they used to be, but they can never forget....

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watching: the cosby show :-P
listening to: nothing
mood: as happy as can be

Sometimes I feel so out of control, so helpless. I walk down the dusty halls in my stuffy school in a trance. It is as if someone else is controlling my every move. It is these times when I am fully aware that I am not my own. I am God’s instrument in this overwhelming world. He controls all that I am, all that I will soon become. I am at peace…

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

It's been 7 months. 28 weeks. Yet, every time I close my eyes there you are. There you are laughing. There you are at the other end of the hall staring back at me. There you are watching me play the piano in the music room, watching me sing at the concert, watching me do my speech at the speech meet, always smiling...always encouraging. There you are next to me on the bench in Dorney Park, with "There you'll be" playing in the speaker behind us. There you are with your hand in mine, as we walk who knows where.
It's been 7 months. 28 weeks. Yet, I lay in bed at night and think of you. When I finally drift to sleep, it's you I find within my dreams. When i awake, I look over and see the coin on my dresser. And as I go through my day, singing "My girl," I play over and over your sweet words in mind.
It's been 7 months. 28 weeks. 196 days. 3,704 hours. 222,240 minutes. 13,334,400 seconds. So why am I still in love with you?

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mood: pensive

Dreaming big isn't always easy. Living up to my own expectations for myself is even harder. Sometimes I just want to run away and hide forever. Those are the times when I need to pray. Those are the times when I need to be patient and believe in myself. Those are the times I need to work harder and dream bigger. Those are the times I need to think of *you.*

<3 nicole

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